Week 2 Story, Ron's Important Lesson
Ron was an upcoming collegiate golfer who had shown promise
helping his team earn some titles during his previous two seasons there, but
injuries had stopped him from helping even more when it mattered most.
Frustrated by not being able to help his team, Ron got healthy again and signed
up for summer tournaments to get back in the competitive gear again. With
relatively solid performances he was gaining confidence in his game again, but
something with is swing just felt off and with no idea how to fix it he began
to look for answers in all places imaginable; except for in the one place he
should have his personal instructor, Rick, had been working with Ron for five
years and knew exactly how to help if was asked to. Instead of being smart, Ron seeked advice from
a stranger named Tom who had wined and dined him at a tournament in Columbus,
Ohio. In doing so Ron exposed himself to a way of swinging and executing shots
that would do more harm than good. At first these changes seemed to make sense,
but as time went along the concepts he had been shown began deteriorate ant an
exponential rate. With the spring season starting in what seemed to be about a
heartbeat Ron began to wonder what he would have to do in order to revive his
play to bring it to the level required to play at a high collegiate level.
Luckily he got a sense of wisdom and decided to give his regular instructor a
call, a move that should have been executed months earlier, but due his
foolishness he suffered and had to spend an amount of time much longer than
required. In the process of this he did learn a valuable lesson. That he should
listen to those wiser than him and ask for help when needed from those
individuals.
Author’s Note; This
story is loosely based off of The Self Willed Deer, In which a young deer dies
because of failure to listen to the older and wiser deer. I wrote a story with
different characters and a result where a lesson is learned instead of death.
Bibliography; The Self Willed Deer, by Robert Chalmers
Brookside CC, Source
I absolutely love that you put a modern golf-style sporty spin on the age-old mentor/protégé archetype. I do think the story could benefit from more proofreading and punctuation- there are great use of literary devices including foreshadowing and strong narrative presence, but the sentences run-on and could use more colons and periods (I struggle with this a lot myself). I really appreciate how much of your own spin you put on the source story- it’s undeniably original and teaches a great moral lesson.
ReplyDeleteGreat story about Ron! When we tend to get into a sticky situation, we are blinded by those who could be of most help to us and resort to those that may seem the best option at the time. I know that I've done that many times in my life and it has done me no good. I'm glad Ron was able to open his eyes and find his touch again, while learning a valuable lesson.
ReplyDeleteRiley,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your writing because of all the different characters that played a role in it, as well it is a very true to life lesson that people need to live by more often. What did you mean when tom was introduced, and you had said that Tom had “wined and dined” him? Was is supposed to be wined and dined with him? One suggestion from myself would be maybe go into a little more detail on Ron’s swing before and then his swing after Tom made his changes. And how it negatively affected Ron’s swing in the long run. This was a very well put together story and I enjoyed the read. I do see that there is some room in the story for it to be improved, but only to become better! I look forward to seeing this story progress, and good luck with the revisions.
Hey Riley! Great job on your work for your story! It was awesome that you wanted to create a lesson for a story to your readers rather than ending it with a death. It was very creative that you made your plots and layout as a golf game tournament. It was devastating to hear a player that seemed so inspired to golf had stopped his dream of helping others due to his injuries. Some readers might wonder what was the injury that caused him to stop helping others? However, it was great to hear Ron being recovered and getting back on his feet again! Let’s pretend that Ron did get injured, but luckily, he met the love of his life where the nurse was taking care of him at the hospital! Ron may have realized that he should’ve had common sense before his injury, but he may realize that things do happen for a reason; that’s how he ended up meeting the nurse in the first place!
ReplyDeleteHey Riley! Great story, as it shows that nobody is perfect and that we all make decisions that we regret. One question that I have from reading this story is "How did Tom's advice 'deteriorate' Ron at an exponential rate?". If you were trying to imply that his body was deteriorating physically, I think it would add a lot to your story to talk about the pain that he was feeling and how it was so excruciating that it made him realize that he was in the wrong and should call his regular instructor!
ReplyDelete