Pebble Beach, My Favorite Place
Out of all the places I have been ver fortunate to go, most of my favorites include golf courses since the reason I get to travel is to play tournaments for the University and on my own during the summer. The place that stand out above the rest for me is Pebble Beach which is located on the stunning Monterey Peninsula in California. Every year we start our season off at Pebble Beach during the second week of classes and this course is beautiful being nestled along the coast of the Pacific ocean and this tournament symbolizes the beginning of a new year with goals and expectations higher than our previous season. The amount of history has taken place on this course throughout the years is astonishing. Being a course that is in the lineup for US Opens, Champions such as, Jack Nicklaus, Tom Watson, Tom Kite and Tiger Woods have won on this course competing at golf's highest stage. All of this helps make Pebble Beach my favorite place to be and I cherish it every time. "T...
Hi Riley!
ReplyDeleteAs someone who knows absolutely nothing about golf, I felt like there were things that may have need some clarification within the story. There is some golf chagrin, like yips, that may need further clarification. But, I can tell that you are well educated on the subject and you come across as confident when discussing it in your story. I think that makes it easier for me to connect with the story because I feel like a have trustworthy storyteller. I think that you probably enjoyed writing this because you had the chance to incorporate golf and that also makes me enjoy the story more. I'm excited to see what else you write!
Hi Riley,
ReplyDeleteFor starters, I loved that you named your protagonist Brad. I also appreciated the golf/athletics-oriented spin on sacred sacrificial rituals, especially the way you put an ancient practice into a modern context. Revision-wise, I found myself wondering what the story could look like if you incorporated more paragraph breaks- as-is it lacks room to breathe. In addition, I found it confusing as a reader when you switched between past, present, and future tenses. There were a few instances which required reworking or commas, including: “noticed his game falling, leading to him”, and “Overjoyed, it was plain to see”, the latter of which should be reorganized because the person the “overjoyed” is describing is initially unclear. Maybe: “It was pain to see that Brad was overjoyed, acting like a new man with no more frustration over his driving. Confidence was starting to exude.” Also, you use colloquial “we” and “our”, and it would be clarifying if you specified to whom that refers! (OU maybe?). Overall, it was a lovely contemporary spin on ancient ritual practices that I enjoyed reading! His need to light a golf club on fire and the explanation for the amount of time required were great details as well. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Riley. I like the spin on the original sacrifice for having a male heir to becoming a better golfer because that is something that can be related to easily enough in the twenty-first century. An issue that I had with the first story was that it was in a big block paragraph. That can really turn a reader off quicker than you might think and when I first opened up to it, it lessened my excitement about what turns out to be a really entertaining story. The story itself should be well-written, but there is also the aspect of presentation to be thought about. I am also unsure if this is a portfolio or a storybook because there is not an introduction that explains what the theme is beside Indian Epic stories. If you are going to be putting your own modern twist to several stories, I would just try to elaborate that on your home page or even make an introduction page. This will help situate a reader. Your creativity is obvious so I would just love to see you show it in more than just words but in the presentation of your storybook as well!
ReplyDeleteHey Riley!
ReplyDeleteI like how you used golf and related it to your story! I don't really pay much attention to golf, but I enjoyed the fact that it was foreign to me and it made me want to go look up the terms and see how it changed the story for me. I liked how you saw the story of Arjuna praying to Shiva and didn't like that the gifts he was given were for destruction, so you modified it so that the gifts are used for benefit and gain instead of destruction. That's good creativity! Maybe you could customize your website with more of your interests? I'm having trouble with the same thing and i'm just looking at all the sites I come across to see what I can change or add to mine. Overall, I liked the story and hope to see more sports themed stories! Keep up the good work!
Hello Riley! I just wanted to say that I loved your story! I really liked how you took a story from the Indian Epic, and transformed that in to a story with some truth! I believe you have great creativity and imagination in your writing! One part of the story that I liked in particular, was when Ryan took a pine cone and crushed it into a perfect sphere with only his hands! I thought that was great! Overall, I believe you wrote a fantastic story! One thing I would like to see on your website, is a link to your comment wall. I think this will allow the readers the ability to navigate your website better and have a quick link to comment on your stories. However, again I believe you wrote a great story! Have a great weekend and good luck with the rest of your semester! I look forward to reading more of your stories!
ReplyDeleteRiley, I just read Ryan's Fast and I love reading stories or watching movies with the trope of an ex-athlete coming back to their sport to become a coach, channeling the potential of bad team and turning it into a great one! I love the fact that you gave so much insight into how much the coach was willing to do just to be a good coach to others, showing how dedicated he was to him team. I like how you said that he noticed that his adversary was a god "because of the energy flowing out of him". I think that would be a great place for you to give details about what that energy looked and felt like, as the human-god interaction in this story is the climax and I think its importance in the story should emphasized with detail!
ReplyDeleteHi Riley!
ReplyDeleteI just checked out your website, and I must say that I am impressed. It is very easy to navigate. The design is simple and does not overwhelm the viewer. This a a good thing. I read Ryan's Fast, and I liked it. I think I may have read the original on your blog post, it sounds familiar. I was wondering what god visited Ryan. Your author's note mentioned Shiva, so did he visit Ryan? Next I read Brad's Journey. It is also a really good story. Unfortunately, I am pretty ignorant when it comes to golf terminology. So what does "playing out the rough or laying so far off of the tee that he was now disadvantaged to the field." I get that these are bad for a golfer, I am just having a tough time visualizing what you are talking about. Overall, I think your stories are good, and I look forward to reading your next one.
Hi riley, i love your website, it is unique and extremely easy to navigate and the pictures you have used are great. I read your first story and i love how you related it to real life and it is set in present day time. I was really able to understand what is going on and picture the entire setting. you use great imagery as well, i was able to constantly understand what is being said, as for the god that visited who was it? I like how the god gave ryan the ability to be the best coach. your use of sports in this story is awesome and i like how modernized it is. Maybe some specific details on why the team is the best would be helpful, like was there a national championship, how many people from the team are pro now? details like that would be great but overall great story!
ReplyDeleteHi Riley, great job on both of your stories. For your first story, I think it is really cool that you took the story of Arjuna and Shiva and turned into a story about something that is significant and relatable to you. I think you did a great job modernizing the story. I also think it is neat that you involved a real person and real events that were meaningful to you in your story. Your Author's note did a great job of connecting the traditional Indian epic to your new version. Overall, this story was clear and easy to follow. Not to mention, it was entertaining and allowed me to learn more about OU's golf team history. Your second story was good as well. I like that you are keeping a consistent theme throughout your project. Although I do not know a lot about golf, I know that drivers are really expensive. I like how you made the sacrifice in your story less bloody, but still significant.
ReplyDeleteHey Riley! I really enjoyed your portfolio. I think it was pretty cool that you were able to make a story about golf from a completely different story. It was fun to read and I could definitely see the connection. There were some grammar mistakes but it was not too bad and I was able to figure what was intended. I actually did not know that the team had that history so it was coo! I am looking forward to reading some more of your stories!
ReplyDeleteHey Riley! First off, great job tying your theme of golf together in your stories! It’s always nice to read pieces overs subjects that the writer is passionate over (like golf) then something they’re forced to do. Way to take these stories and make them your own! I enjoyed both of your stories, but I’m very glad that you explained what story you picked and what modifications you made to the story in your author’s note. I’m not sure I would have been able to identify them otherwise, and it was nice to read through it and have my memory refreshed on what it was. The only thing I would change is your introduction page. Your introduction page doesn’t have any sort of description about your website. I would recommend at least putting a couple of short sentences just explaining what your website is used for. Without it, I’m not really sure if your project is portfolio or storybook style.
ReplyDeleteHi Riley,
ReplyDeleteI really understand the frustration that Brad felt in the first story. I've been a good putter and great with irons, but I find driving to be super difficult. For the longest time in my life, I was able to hit my 5 iron further than a driver. I definitely wouldn't make a dirty deal or anything to improve them, but I think you do a good job relating to the audience of the trials that he goes through. As I type this, it is October 31st, Nick Saban's birthday. In relation to your first story, I can't help but imagine the character being Nick in the backwoods of Georgia making a deal and he finds some great coaching plan to allow him to turn Bama into the powerhouse that it is today. Overall, this was a great story, and I can't wait to read more! I hope you have a good semester!
Hi Riley! Overall, great job on completing your Portfolio project so far! I actually like your progress. Your home page and story pages are clean and basic; and it is not too overwhelming. The story about Ryan’s Fast was fascinating! It was so creative that you have turned the original story of Arjuna and Shiva into your experience of golfing here at college. I never thought about golfing for college, but I bet it was a great experience and worth your time! It was also fascinating that you added a part of your story about your coach! I could definitely imagine that your coach receiving gifts that would bring success to him and the university! I am glad that you have converted a horror, murderous story into something uplifting like granting gifts to kill enemies to receiving gifts that brings joy and success. Overall, great job on your work, Riley! Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteHi Riley. I read both your stories and they both have really interesting concepts behind them. However, I had a problem reading them because having two chunky paragraphs makes it a little difficult to read. The text blurred together for me and I had trouble keeping my place. I really like how you've incorporated golf into both your stories. I would love to see this reflected in your introduction page! Maybe some pictures of golf and golf-related things (I am sorry, I know nothing about golf) would really bring the page to life and tell the reader what to expect. I think the stories are great, it is just the visual presentation that could use some tweaking.
ReplyDeleteHey there Riley,
ReplyDeleteFirst off I would just like to say this was a very well written and entertaining story. I was very impressed will how detailed you made the sacrificial portion of the story. You really enabled me to visualize what brad was having to do with his favorite driver. What if once brad completes the ritual, and the gods grant him the gift of being a great golfer you went into more detail of what brad was now able to do. Like brad use to only be able to hit this far, but with the power of the gods he launches it this far. I was very impressed with how you were able to stick with the plot of the original story of “Dasharatha’s sons”, and how you were able to correlate the two stories with both characters receiving powers from the gods. I really enjoyed your story, and I look forward to reading your future ones.
Hey Riley! I just read "Brad's Journey" and you did a great job at fitting Dasharatha's sacrifice into your golf theme! I think it would be interesting to see why Brad resorted to calling to the gods for help. For example, you could emphasize how Brad's struggle to hit his driver went against the laws of nature and it just wasn't making sense that with more and more practice, his drive was getting worse and worse. I think it would be a great addition to maybe depict the scene where the gods came to into his dream and you could include some dialogue and maybe choose specific gods to come speak to Brad. Also, you could possibly include a part in your story where Brad's coach thinks he's crazy for saying that the gods came to him into his dreams and told him to perform a sacrifice, but then his coach caves in and lets him perform the sacrifice on the zoysia tee box partly out of curiosity and partly because he's desperate to see Brad get through his dilemma!
ReplyDeleteHey Riley,
ReplyDeleteThis was actually my first time visiting your page and it looks amazing! I had a lot of fun reading through your story and seeing how you applied yourself in these stories. Bringing in your experiences and coach, etc. One thing that I would suggest that you might try is to break your paragraphs, so that it is more easily readable! Other than that, you did a very good job of creating your own story and changing the whole concept of it!
Hi Riley,
ReplyDeleteI liked your storybook. I haven't read one yet that is centered around a sport, which was nice. There is a lot to work with a sports theme because of the competition and culture that already surrounds it. I thought you did a nice job of utilizing these existing themes in both of your stories. I also liked the lingo you used, like having the yips. This was an amusing addition that magnified the golfing theme. I was a little confused when it came to the part where Brad asked the gods for help with golf. Where did the gods come from? Did Brad a background in believing in the gods? Maybe you could delve more into the cultural contexts behind Brad's decision to turn to the gods. This would add some more depth to the character as well. I thought you made your story fit well with the old one. Great job!
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ReplyDeleteHello Riley,
ReplyDeleteI loved the stories that you have told. I thought they were fantastic. I also love the whole golf theme you have going for your stories. I decided to talk about the first story that you have told. Over all I liked the story but there was something you can do with it. Your story has great grammar so there is nothing to say there. My problem is the story seems to be missing something that could help it. You say he needed to go to the back wood in Georgia. But you could include a part where he visits the players and realizes that he needs to do this. Your story also seems to end very fast. You could include a part where the god golfer helps to train him rather than just give him natural coaching talent. I think what I’m trying to say is you could give your story some more meat by adding parts to it where they could fit in. Otherwise your story is fine.
Hey Riley!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your stories on your portfolio project! I liked how your stories have the theme of golf, and it is also based on your personal experience as being a member for the men's golf team at OU. I thought that was very unique and made your project stand out from the other ones I have read. In addition, I think you did a great job writing your stories and including details. I really like your second story, Brad's Journey. One suggestion I have is that maybe you could expand a little more on how Brad knew about the sacrifices. I know he got the idea of pleasing the gods from his dream, but going into more detail about it could had more substance to your story. I also like that in your author's note you explained how you came up with the idea of rewriting the story from your personal experience. Overall, great job on your project!
Hi Riley. I read your “Ryan’s Fast” story. I thought it was truly creative and unique! Golf isn’t as lousy as football, and people obviously don’t seem to pay too much attention about golf games here. It’s really interesting to read how Ryan Hybl had to fast and pray in backwoods of Georgia to become the best golf coach in the country. I like this very detailed visual description: By taking a fallen branch from a pine tree he fashioned a golf club and took a pine cone that he griped so tightly in his hands that it compressed in to a perfectly smooth sphere that he could hit shots with. I could literally imagine the scene in my head. It’s so rich with fine details. I thought the god must have been pleased by Ryan’s gift: The young man kneeled down and presented his club and ball as a gift which pleased the god. I wonder how the story would have turned out to be if the god rejected Ryan’s offer. And what if Ryan decided to contest with the god instead of giving in? I bet the story would have been really intense. Thank you for a great story!
ReplyDeleteHey there, Riley! I can not believe I have not read one of your stories yet after this whole semester. I guess that randomizer does not do the best job. I really enjoyed how you turned everything into a golf story. In particular, you turned them into OU golf stories. You are a fantastic writer, especially when it comes to creating scenes. What if in your project you included another sport? I am not trying to bash golf. But, I do think it could be fun to talk about other sports at OU that don't get as much attention as the football or basketball team. I actually used to play on the rugby team. Basically no one came to our games, but I loved every minute. If golf is the theme and what you wanna do then by all means. You are such a strong descriptive writer, so far be it from me to get in your way. It is just an idea. Also, your website is very well put together. Good luck on finishing your project.
ReplyDeleteHey Riley!
ReplyDeleteThis was my first time going through your stories and I have to say that I really appreciated the concepts and ideas behind them. I especially enjoyed the way you were able to create modern situations to describe rather ancient customs. I played golf in high school but haven't really had the time to pick up the clubs since. That being said, I like that so far each story has been golf oriented because I have an easy seeing the parallels you're making between the game and these fairy tales. In Ryan's Fast I thought the visuals you provided regarding Ryan turning items from nature into a club and ball was really creative! If I was to make a suggestion I would say that you might want to take a closer look at the middle of your third paragraph in this story. There are two sentences in a row that begin with "Angered" and as I read through it I had a hard time following along. One more suggestion I would add is to consider writing a little excerpt about each story you've posted on the home page of your portfolio so that people can get an idea of what they'll be reading about before they click on a link. Overall, great creativity here!
Hi Riley!
ReplyDeleteThis was my second time going through your two stories! Again, I like how you have modernized two well known Indian epics. I also think it is cool that you have made them both about golf, obviously something you are passionate about. I do not know much about golf except that I suck at it. I think it is impressive that you can draw parallels between golf and Indian epics. I think you do a good job of using imagery in your stories. It is really easy to picture exactly what is happening. I think that it is useful to have imagery in your stories because it really helps paint the picture. 'm glad you used high-quality pictures in your stories. It also assists in the imagery department. Anyways, good job with this project. I hope your semester ends well and you have a successful dead week and finals week.
Hi Riley! I just got done reading your stories and I just want to say that I enjoyed reading them so much! I like that in your story "Ryan's Fast", you incorporated your own story into it. I like that it starts off with a bit of a background story about the OU Men's golf team. You have done a great job at tying the theme of golf into both of your stories actually! I think by using golf a main theme in your stories, you were able to use more modern language and settings for your stories. I think for Ryan's Fast, you could use a picture of the OU golf team or something like that for your banner image. I feel like that would really bring the whole story together. I like that the image you used in your second story goes along with with the sacrifice that Brad had to make. Overall, good job!
ReplyDeleteHello Ryan!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your first story, Ryan's Fast. You took a great perspective on your story by making yourself be the main character. Your Story book is also easy to navigate. God job in the setup. Now the story is well re-written. I took this class last year and I actually do remember this story when Arjuna went to the mountains to fast and pray. The way you incorporated a golf theme in this story is very unique. I am assuming you are a golf fan! I am not sure but you have the word "God" not capitalized. Maybe, you did that on purpose! However, great story ! You took a very old story and made it modern. Have a great end of the semester.